My Strongest Weakness: Bitterness

I know that these bridges that I've burned along the way

have left me with these walls and these scars that won't go away

and opening up has always been the hardest thing

until you came. - Lady Antebellum

I’m going to tell you something about your walls. I understand the self preserving reasons but ultimately we become jaded and cynical and the one person we’re trying to protect is the one person that ends up suffering the most. - Mike Blakeslee

I always assume that the things I struggle with are probably things that other people struggle with as well.  So, for the sake of my own steps toward healing and maybe helping some of you acknowledge your own struggles, I'm going to expose my strongest weakness: bitterness.  BITTERNESS.  Even in its written form, it looks like a foul word.

Bitterness is one of the unhealthiest emotions you can have. I have been offended and disappointed and have felt unfairly unloved by others, sometimes from the ones that are supposed to love me unconditionally, and I have allowed that hurt to take deep root in my heart.  Bitterness can be characterized by an unforgiving spirit and a critical attitude.  Well, I don't want to be characterized that way.  I pray continually for a spirit of forgiveness and to have the ability to maintain a good attitude, the ability to offer grace.  I usually do pretty well.  Many times over the years, I have come to a place of forgiveness and moved forward with a spirit of letting things roll off my back.  I heal almost everytime, but it always leaves a scar.  My ability to not pity myself usually lasts for a while.  Then something is said or done, that hurts me, and the part of me that just wants to be loved starts to feel betrayed all over again.  Even if I am able to maintain the ability to let stuff roll off my back, the scar still thickens.  Over time, my scar has become so thick that it has left me with a permanent and debilitating bitterness.

Recently, I accidently stumbled across something that left me so enraged with fury, it left me railing at my husband about it.  I went from happy to being blind with irrational rage, in a matter of seconds.  I was not going to stop fuming until he understood and was as furious as I was.  He was to the point that he honestly worried for me.  (which made me even madder.  lol)  After a while of discussion, I finally calmed down enough to explain to him and make him understand why I was so hurt.  Funny enough, it was my daughters that helped me prove to him that I was not insane.  I asked the girls to fill in this sentence for me:  "Boys fight with their fists; Girls fight with their ___."  At the age of 12 and 9, they didn't have to think, but instantly answered "WORDS!"  Once I saw the light of understanding and enlightenment dawn in his eyes, I started to feel better.  I guess I just needed validation that I wasn't going crazy, but that my feelings were founded. 

I haven't yet healed back up from this last episode of hurt.  Honestly, I don't know if I ever asked God to help me work through it this time.  Now, after waiting too long, I am starting to find my way back to leaning on Him for help.  I have decided that enough is enough.  I am tired of slowly killing myself with this bitterness and anger.  I want to find a deeper healing.  I've been studying God's words about bitterness, anger, love, forgiveness, etc.  It's amazing to find my strength and growth in the words that I've read dozens of times, but yet they always speak to me differently.

Bitterness and resentment are both sinful and self-defeating. Some of the things I've found suggest that perhaps it grows from the literal loss of a loved one or of a job, or income, or relationship. Sometimes it might be more subtle and grow from the loss of a reputation, or social position in a group, or control. Whatever the cause, bitterness grows out of unreleased loss.  So I asked myself, what do I feel like I've lost?  Well, simple.  I've been deprived of meaningful relationships with those I care about.  I've been robbed of being known and accepted for me, for who I am.  I've been judged before even being KNOWN.  I don't think it is fair.  And it is a deep, soul wrenching loss that I feel and I grieve it time and time again.  The past two years, this has been compounded by the loss of one of my major support systems: my mother.  In the times where I felt low, she was there to build me back up and help me maintain my balance.  Have you seen the movie The Help?  Have you read the book?  The character Aibileen builds up the self esteems of the children she raises by consistently telling them "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  When their mothers tear them down, she builds them back up by loving them for who they are.  Well, in losing my mother, I have lost my Aibileen.  I have my husband, of course, who loves me like no other.  He builds me up and reminds me of my worth.  As much as I gain from him, it doesn't replace the love of my mother.  Her absence has left a hole in that part of me that needs unconditional love and acceptance. 

"Bitterness grows out of our refusal to let go when someone or something is taken from us.

Bitterness is being constantly hurt by a memory and is holding onto a hurt until it has a hold on you." 

The hardest part is that, in this situation I'm in, I can't cut my loss and heal.  So, I just grow these seeds of bitterness.  And if I don't keep them weeded and tended to, they grow and bloom into full blown sin.

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:31-32).

If I took the time to reflect upon the countless sins that I have begged forgiveness for, from God, then how can I hold this grudge and hositlity towards the ones that hurt me?  Even if they continue to hurt me?  Do I not desire the very thing from God that I deny others?  My inability to be compassionate, or better, my desire to withold it.  It is an offense to God, to not let go of these hurts and to maintain my bitterness.  However, I'm only human!  I am still going to remember WHY I am so bitter and angry.  I just have to learn to not let it flood me.  I can't let those feelings nest in my hair.  I have to pray and "...think about the things that are good and worthy of praise.  Think about the things that are true and honorable and right and pure and beautiful and respected."  Phillipians 4:8  Sounds easy enough, right?

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:14,15).

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31,32).

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly" (I Peter 2:23).

"Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing..." (Luke 23:34).

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14,15).

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary: 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:14-21).

Abba Father, I acknowledge that I hold resentment and bitterness against _______________.  I confess this as sin and ask you to forgive me.  I forgive __________________.  Remind me, Lord, to not hold any more resentments, but rather to love this person.  Father, I ask you to also forgive ______________________.

Thank You for understanding my weaknesses and for loving me despite them.  Thank You for forgiving me over and over and over again.  Thank You for hearing and answering my prayer. In Your name I pray these things, Amen.

1 Corinthians 13

 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 

 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 

 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails.

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled;

where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.

 Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.



What I desire:
For others to take the time to know me for who I am, and to love me even when I disappoint them. 

What I know: 
Only God is always capable of that.  Though I can still hope, right???

Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 

 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, If I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake, I am still with you.