We all have moments that we look forward to. The days you spend years dreaming about, those days you know will create memories that will last your whole lifetime. Those special days... Graduation day. Or the day we get married. The day we find out our first child is on the way. Our children's first day of school. What about the ones we are still dreaming about? Like sending our child off to college. Their wedding day. Our grandchildren... The ones that are supposed to be filled with unimaginable joy, storybook perfect. You know the days I am talking about. We had one of those days a few months ago. The day we adopted our son.
We had been waiting and dreaming about this day for 2 years. The day we hoped would come. Well...it came all right. And it wasn't anything at all like I had been dreaming it would be. It was one of the most hurtful, most frightening, most gut wrenching days of my life. However, just like the pregnacy and labor of my first three children, all of the waiting, all the pain, all the extreme emotion was worth it, in that instant that I became his mother. This day turned out so traumatic, in fact, I decided that I was going to never tell anyone about what happened. I just wanted to remember the GOOD and not the bad. I never wanted to feel that way again and I didn't want to relive it by sharing it.
Then, the strangest thing happened to me the other day. God showed me how our day was strikingly similar to another day in my future. A day I have been dreaming about for years, but that hasn't come yet. My memories all started to turn from horrifying to somewhat more of a "well maybe it wasn't that bad after all" kind of a feeling. As I started to remember back, God showed me Himself.
Let me go back to the very beginning.
When we signed up to become foster parents, we had to take lots of training. The kind of training that SCARES you with the bluntness and ugly reality of what you are getting into. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, incest, disease, drugs, rape, runaways, self mutilation, neglect, abandonment, every kind of ugly you can imagine and then a lot more that you could NEVER imagine. We knew we were called to do this, but honestly...we were beginning to get very bogged down with fear. Besides teaching us about how to handle all the hurts these children carry, they taught us how important it is to teach history and culture to children that may be a different religion, race or backround than us. We must make sure they don't lose their heritage, they stressed to us. Most especially black children, they said because their heritage is such a rich one. One worker even went so far as to give us a suggestion of hanging pictures of famous black people such as Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr. on our walls if we were thinking of taking in a black child. We were told that we would have to surround ourselves with other black families, learn how to handle skin care and hair care, familiarize ourselves with black culture and music and language and heritage and history...and DON'T SCREW UP anything or your child will grow up to hate you and will never understand who they are. We were so overloaded with information and anxiety of the unknown. We decided, in fear, to take control and be very limiting of who we allowed them to place into our home. No...no black children. It's too much to handle. We will totally mess up and won't do right by them, we convinced ourselves. We told them we would take placements of hispanic children and white children...but not black children. And ONLY a certain age and ONLY a certain gender. Too much at stake to risk further failure.
Do you ever let fear control you? Unfounded fear? Do you let someone convince you that you are not worthy enough? I felt so small suddenly. I have always considered myself a good mother...able to handle everything a child could dish out. I'm quite sure I was overly confident, but I was, nonetheless. Until this. I was crippled with self doubt. I no longer believed I was good enough. I let myself become paralyzed with backwards thinking. And it wasn't just me. All of these same feelings were happening to my husband. My fearless leader was suddenly feeling overwhelmed, too. We let Satan convince us that we were useless and LIMITED. We stopped trusting God to walk with of us. We foolishly decided we could make better decisions on our own.
It took us about two weeks to remember that we have our own opinions and ideas. We got scared and overwhelmed with information and expectations, but in our heart of hearts, we knew we had made a mistake. Did we feel like we could parent any child, regardless of race? Absolutley. Would it be different that parenting a child of our own race? Maybe. Maybe not so different. However it might be, we knew we could manage. We got firm footing back underneath us and asked God to lead the way. We called up the caseworker and withdrew the limitations we put down. Any race, any gender... It felt so good. It felt so right. We slept soundly that night.
A few months later, the most perfect little boy arrived at our doorstep, all dirty and looking wild...and I lost my heart to him the moment I looked into his face. God knew. We were just scared. But God knew. He was just waiting on us to remember.
15 months later...our day came. That day we had been dreaming about. The day that was suppose to be perfect. The day that had played out in my head a thousand times. The day that this little guy took our last name and became my fourth child, for forever and always.
We stood in front of the judge, along with our attorney, several caseworkers, a few family and friends. I almost couldn't breathe. I was taking mental snapshots and trying to remember every moment, every sound, every smile, every word. Our attorney asked me all kinds of questions that left me overwrought with happy tears, hardly able to speak intelligibly. It was unexplainable the love and pride I was feeling for this little guy, as I was swearing under oath to love him and care for him. My husband took his turn. It was great. Just...great.
Then...it happened. The air in the room instantly changed. It became very tense and thick with ill ease.
The judge opened up our file to the pages where we said that we did not want to take placement of a black child. She looked up at me and and looked at this child I held in my arms...a black child. She wanted an explanation.
Our attorney told her our story, pleading on our behalf, about how we had decided that we had been wrong to be restrictive, how we had decided that we could absolutley provide everything that this child would need and that anything we needed to learn, would learn along the way, just as we would with any child. She encouraged the judge to reread the case file and read our reasonings to understand why we had our first misgivings and why we had then, changed our minds. Apparently, this was not the answer she was looking for. She then turned and asked all of the caseworkers what they thought about it. They ALL assured her that the state felt that everything was a simple matter of a change of heart and that they sincerelly felt and were in agreement that our home and our family was the perfect place for him to be. The judge sat back in her chair. The air around her was so thick with smugness and disbelief. She didn't feel like she could just take their word for it. She wanted to hear from us. She demanded we speak for ourselves. She wanted to look at us and have us look back at her and explain our actions, our decsions, our change of heart.
The judge looked at me and asked me to explain to her why we had made the choices we made. I tried to explain. I don't remember what I said. I was scared. She held my life in her hands. She held my family in her hands. Would she believe me? What would she think about me? Does she think that I am racist? What does she see in my face? Can she see what's in my heart? How can I make her understand? If you have ever been around me very much, you know that I stumble over my words very easily. I can think a lot better than I can speak. I am fully aware of this weakness. And here I am, asked to give one of the most important responses of my life to a judge that doesn't know me from Adam. In front of 30 or so people, all staring right at me. Every word I say is being recorded. My heartbeat is all I hear. I don't think I have ever known such fear or pressure. Ever. I couldn't read her face at all. She just sat there. I'm not sure she even blinked. Time stood still. It may have been just seconds...but it felt like hours. She finally shifted in her seat. But only far enough to redirect her stare to my husband. The moment her eyes left mine, I honestly felt my knees buckle and I had to concentrate so hard, just to stand. She asked him the same questions. I felt a little safer. He is much more eloquent with his words than I am. He can think faster than I can. He can do this. After a few minutes of testimony, she finally took a deep breath and looked down.
I'm quite sure my heart stopped. What was about to come out of her mouth? Had she been convinced? Had she seen through to our hearts?
I can only assume that she did because her next sentence was the one granting us parental rights over our son.
We felt like running. We just wanted to grab our children tight and start running for all we were worth. Running and never looking back. To get as far away from this judgement as possible. The social workers were all furious at the judge. Our attorney and our son's attorney were livid. Our attorney told us later that she confronted the judge in her chambers and demanded to know why she put us through that. The judge looked up at her and simply said "well, what did you expect from me? How could I see those notes and NOT ask them to explain themselves?"
I have seen pictures from other families' adoptions ceremonies and I had dreamed about what ours would look like...the ones capturing that moment in time...the family picture with the judge. You will never see our pictures from our adoption day. We have them. They are in our camera, but I'm afraid to look at them because I don't want to see the effects of the horror that I'm sure is left fresh on our faces.
It has been almost four months since that day. We have done a great job of forgetting. In fact, it seems like that day was years ago. We never talk about it. We just want to be joyous, so we choose to be in the moment and just focus on loving our son and being a family.
Our church has been having a revival this week and the pastor said something the first night that rekindled my memory of our adoption day. I couldn't even tell you what it was but in that instant, in that very moment, just like a flash...God reminded me that a day just like this would come again for me. It's coming for all of us.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. 2 Corinthians 5:10
I can just imagine how it will be. It's one of those days I was talking about earlier...you know, those days you've been dreaming about? The day we see our Savior's face. As Christians, its a day that makes us go weak with anticipation. We talk about it all the time. We sing songs about how wonderful it will be. Everytime we say goodbye to a brother or sister in Christ, we rejoice at their Homegoing. And for those of us that have family members there, the reunification only adds to the excitement.
We don't really talk much about what comes next. The verse above says we ALL appear before the judgement seat of Christ. We will all bow before Him and be judged.
Jesus said "But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgement for every empty word they have spoken. For by your words you will be aquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew 12:36-37
If you know your name is in His book, then you know you have a home with Him but we still will have our lives laid out before us. We still will have to explain ourselves, our decisions, our motives. We will be revealed...the good and the bad:
This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My concscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God. 1 Corinthians 4:1-5
Do you think we will be there alone? I've always imagined it would be only be me there with Jesus and God, the Father. But now I am not so sure. Maybe we will be surrounded by family and friends that have been reunited with. Maybe there will be angels all around us. Will Jesus, as the Judge, call on our family and friends to testify about our life? Will they recall our good deeds? Will our friends recount the times we supported them in Christian love? Will our family members be called to bear witness to our ability to practice unconditional love and forgiveness, kindness and willingness to offer grace? As born again believers, our sins are forgiven, and praise Him for that, but will the angels be called upon to present evidence of our fruit?
Jesus says: "By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." Matthew 7:16-20
Maybe so. Maybe we will be lucky enough to have the honor of having our character testified to. Or maybe some of us hope that our family and friends DON'T have the chance to speak for us. What I DO know is this: Our Savior, Jesus Christ, ONLY cares about what He sees in our hearts. He probably won't be too concerned about what the others might say. Just like the judge on our adoption day. She had to ask us to be accountable for ourselves. She had to see it in our eyes and see what lay within our hearts. Hearing from witnesses was great and all, but she wanted us to give our own account.
For we will all stand before God's judgement seat. It is written: "'As surely as I live, 'says the Lord, 'every knee shall bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God.'" So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God. Romans 14:10-12
We know that our works have no bearing on our salvation. We can do NOTHING to earn what Jesus did for us. That does not excuse us from producing fruit. We still are called to be accountable to live like Jesus did. Those "works" are important.
Ephesians 2:8-10 says: For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
The good works that we do and the attitude and motive behind why we do them, will matter to Christ. The previous scripture says we were created for that purpose, to "do good works." Why then, would that not be important?
Think about it this way: Apple created the iPhone to do great things. They created all of the programming to make it work and gave it extraordinary capabilities. How do you think those programmers would feel if customers used the phone only to make phone calls? Would they be satisfied? Or would they be disgusted knowing that all of the wonderful, incredible things that they created the phone for, were not being utilized? Would they be pleased that it was just wasting away without fulfilling its purpose? Or would they be dumbfounded, thinking 'oh what great things are possible if it will only be used for what it was created for?'
2 Peter 1:3-11 says: His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins.
Therefore, my brothers and sisters, make every effort to confirm your calling and election. For if you do these things, you will never stumble, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
I don't want to just enter Heaven. I want Jesus to be so pleased with me and the life that I lived, that He draws me close.
On adoption day, in the end, things turned out the way we desired. We have our son. But was it all that I dreamed it would be? No way. What I wanted was for it to be an overwhelmingly glorious occasion, marked by immeasurable joy and happiness. I wanted the judge to see us and the love overflowing amongst our family and think us to be great parents, capable of raising wonderful children. I wanted her to be proud of our accomplishments and sing our praises.
When I am in front of my Savior, I don't want to just enjoy my new residence. I want it to be all and more that I have dreamed it to be. I want it to be an overwhelmingly glorious occasion, marked by immeasurable joy and happiness. I want my Judge to see me and the love overflowing from my life. I want Him to be proud of my accomplishments and sing my praises.
I want to hear Him say "Well done, my good and faithful servant! Come in and rest at My feet." I don't want to hear Him say "Well, you did just enough to get here and nothing more. It's crowded here at My feet, why don't you go sit down over there!"
2 Peter 3:11-12 says: ...So you should serve and honor God by the way you live. You should look forward to the day when God judges everyone...
My desire is that my next day of judgement be one that I will love to tell stories about.
