Most of you know that I am not the original coordinator of our group. For those of you that don't, here is a quick history lesson for you. We started this MOPS group in May of 2009. Angie Smith was the original coordinator and she is the one who was inspired to bring MOPS to Commerce. She called for a planning meeting and about 6 or 7 of us met up and moved forward as a group. Angie is the wife of Tommy Smith, who was the Youth Minister at FBC Commerce at that time. They moved to Lousiana in November of 2010 and MOPS passed from her leadership into mine. I never in a million years would have wanted, asked or expected to be the coordinator of MOPS had it been any other situation. It is not my nature to lead. I am not gifted at speaking in front of people, I get nervous, my voice shakes and my breath leaves me. However, there I found myself. Scared to death, but even more afraid of seeing MOPS die. MOPS had become a salvation of sorts for me. Salvation from my lonliness and isolation. I decided then and there that I would seek God's help and guidance and commited to Him that I would move forward and if the group died, then at least it died trying.
One of my first desires was to see our group grow closer, instead of just larger. Thinking back to the friendships that we had developed with each other over the first year of MOPS, I know they were deeply rooted in rough, bare naked, sometimes ugly honesty about our lives and struggles. With the first "post Angie" meeting looming ahead of me, I decided to first start with my own story. Now that I am blogging, I thought it appropriate to go back and revisit the beginning of this transition time. Below is some of what I shared with the group about myself that night. This monologue is what went on inside my head:
My Life Cycle of "Why is it so hard to find a good friend?"
-Everyone I know likes to party and drink alchohol and go to night clubs. I don't want to be a part of that scene. So, I choose to be alone.
-Everyone I know is busy with college and worried about homework, passing tests and what they are going to do on the weekends. All I am worried about is why is my baby running fever and will we scrape up enough money to buy another bag of diapers. So, I choose to be alone.
-We don't fit in anymore, anywhere, even in our own church. The married people who have children all have careers and a home. We are living in a tiny apartment, and my husband is going to school all day and working 12 + hour nights, trying to make ends meet. Everyone is financially better off that we are and won't understand us. So, we choose to be alone.
-Even when I reach out to the girls that I know, it is awkward because they are all still single or just married and don't have any children. Here I am, already pregnant with my second child. We are living in two seperate worlds, what will we even have to talk about? So, I choose to just be alone.
-Finally, my husband has earned his degree and secured a professional job. Maybe we will start "fitting in" better now. The couples we meet seem like they have it all together. Boy, we sure don't. Where do they find the money to buy those nice, name brand clothes? We are still just scraping by. I thought it would be different than this at this point in our lives! Even though we are starting to feel established, I'm still feeling second rate, so I choose to be alone.
-The other moms I am meeting at softball practice are all so pretty. Their hair is perfectly styled and their clothes are so stylish. Even the stay at home moms look like an ad out of a magazine. I sure don't look like that when I put on my sweats! They look me over just long enough to decide I'm not worthy of inviting into their life. I still feel so awkward and out of place, but I'm here for my daughter so I'll try to just ignore them. And there I sit, choosing to sit alone.
-Why are all these other moms able to fit into their pre pregnancy clothes 6 weeks after they've given birth? When do they even find the time to go to the gym? They are all perfect. Perfect bodies, perfect hair, perfect wardrobe, perfect car, perfect house. I am none of those things! I'm starting to think that I will never catch up enough to be worthy of having a friend. Where oh where are the other moms that look like me? This stinks and is depressing. I'll keep choosing to be alone!
-After months of seeing an open ministry need in church, I finally decide to step out of my comfort zone, and volunteer to help. After a couple of frustrating years of not enjoying the ministries that I've been helping with, I think I'll just quit. I'd rather choose to be alone than to be miserable!
-I'm think I'll go check out this MOPS planning meeting that I keep hearing about. Sounds like it might be a way to meet other moms. The planning meeting turns into a small group of moms sharing stories, admitting to each other that they don't have it all together either, that their lives have been lined with broken roads and wrong turns. WAIT! What? WHERE HAVE YOU GIRLS BEEN? I've BEEN SO ALONE and now we just happen to all arrive at this table together at the same time. The girl on my right is absolutley gorgeous and full of personality, the girl on my left is SuperMom, somehow running a household of 6 with a full time career and working on her masters degree, the girl across from me is a college professor with a phd, and the tiny little girl on the end looks like the perfect picture of a young mother, fresh out of a Gap magazine. None of them look like me, none of their lives look like mine, yet we all have this common bond of motherhood and can all find friendship with each other. Maybe I'm finally tired of choosing to be alone.
-What word did I use over and over again in all those scenarios? CHOOSE. It was always my choice to be alone. A year and a half later, I have more good friends than I've ever had before. I don't ever want to choose to be alone again. Popular author, Max Lucado writes in his book, Cure For The Common Life, that God is not an author of loneliness. Did you hear that? God does not want us isolated! God created us to be in relationship with each other. Just read Ecclesiastes 4:9 and 10: "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." Oh, He has mercy for us who are alone and hurting. He has mercy for those of us who just need someone to be there to reach back for us when we fall and hit bottom. It's our choice. We can waste away in our self pity, or we can recieve the gifts God gives us when He gives us another person to love. Jesus commands us in John 15:17 to love each other. It doesn't matter how out of place or inadequate I felt through all of those years. I should have had enough faith to step out of my own insecurities and love people enough to be a friend, without expecting them to be a friend to me first.
Now, months later, I am still struggling to serve as well as I wish I could BUT I have a lot of support from some great girls and some great Mentor Moms, and together, we are chugging along! We have seen the group outgrow Commerce, and now have renamed the group MOPS of greater Hunt County. Moms from all over and around the county are seeking out companionship in motherhood and companionship in Christ and I think that's FANTABULOUS!
No comments:
Post a Comment